Why I Don't Need Millions of Dolla Dolla Bills, Ya'll

I have become increasingly un-materialistic. I’m hoping I snap out of it because school can be very difficult to go through when you’re not motivated by monetary gain. But if you pointed a paintball gun to my face, threatening to colorfully bruise it if I didn’t spend loads of money, I would the following:

1. I will pay the Kardashians to become irrelevant. If the Mayans are correct, then the world does not need to end while Kim Kardashian is live airing the finalization of her divorce.

2. I eat and cook a lot so perhaps I’d furnish a spectacular kitchen. I would order a heaping carton of caviar to swoosh around in my mouth while I watch movies on my wall sized 3D television. Afterwards, I can walk across my aquarium floor to my beachy backyard because my house is actually on a private island.

3. The hip-hop community dictates that I should make it rain at all times. You have not lived your life until you’ve paid for your gas with flying 10's while gyrating to T-Pain.

4. I could probably get the writers of LOST to redo their cheap, upsetting Finale. Seriously, they were in purgatory the entire time? AS IF that ending was not predicted after episode 2 in the Loser Lost Fans Club forum. Yeah, I checked!

5. With a million dollars, I would copyright overused phrases and place a premium on their usage.

  • Fail $1
  • SMH $The Weight of Your Head In Dollars
  • Cray $1 for me and $1 for Kanye
  • It Is What It is $1 is $1
  • Just Sayin’ Shouldn’t have said anything, $1 please.
  • Totes $0, my mother told me to never cheat the handicapped.

6. I will run for Presidency. I’m a little pretentious when it comes to valuing non-coastal states so touring across America would be good for me. How do the people of South Dakota feel when no one outside the US (or even inside) knows where they’re from? I can’t even picture people living in Wyoming and Indiana/Illinois are only important in Monopoly. Again, I refuse to do any research on this matter.

7. I will make Google become more considerate of the worlds’ 1%. I searched:

  • “How to spend more money” Nothing.
  • “How to spend money like a boss” Nothing.
  • “How to spend money without f-ing bitches” Nothing.

Thanks to the tags in this post, all those people searching will now find some meaningful answers.