1. I went to elementary school in Los Angeles. Tetherball was no game in L. A., son. My EX-friend—Cholita is what we’ll call her—was playing on my team. The ball was about to hit her face as I saved her by whacking it before it made contact. Cholita thought I slapped her, despite my sincere explanation. I was a shy, overly obedient child and held my dad's hand while he was walking me out of school. Next thing I know, Cholita and her mother are running after us with colorful accusations. My dad was laughing but I was near tears for this injustice. He told me to forget about Cholita. Whatever. I’m sure this girl has slapped every guy she’s dated since then. 2. In fourth grade, a letter had been sent home from school about "The Video." This video would outline the reproductive system and show us what lay a head (spoiler: A head). My mom called me from upstairs, wanting to talk. I knew what this was about and didn’t want to hear it.
“Things are going to start happening to you,” she said.
I told her to hold that thought! I was thirsty and would be right back. I jetted to buy some time to come up with surprised faces I could make when she told me of indelicacies I unfortunately already knew.
3. One time, my parents somehow noticed my loose way with words on an AIM conversation. They told me of the shame I’d bring upon my family if anyone else knew. They told tales of their heroic ancestors who all spoke with clean language. No one would marry me anymore, probably. I think I cried because I felt so bad for upsetting them. Then I cried harder because I knew that sh*t was never going to f&cking end.
4. My dad and I have always been tiiiiiight. Mad real, really. He was once transporting me back to my dorm, and he gave me a valuable lesson during that hour-and-a-half drive. I quote, “Go ahead and try everything…just make sure you don’t like it.” And there you have it guys, the Golden Rule for college.
5. But wait, there’s more: I also learned something from my mom! I don’t think anyone graduates college without having a mental breakdown at the library, and it’s never about school. It was first semester of freshman year, and for the first time, I had drama. Naturally, I saved it for my mama. I called her with all the sob, sap, and woe-is-me in the world. She said one thing: b!tches be crazy. No, she didn’t say that, but she did enlighten me: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all women are created insane.
6. I had been 20 years old for only 3 months. I was at my apartment studying for a quiz because I know how to do these things now. I picked up my mom's call because I thought it would be the usual meal cataloguing and assuring her that I’m alive. She said she wanted me to come home that weekend. She said she met this guy that was apparently a godsend and would probably be the loom to my fruit. I laughed and cut the conversation within 15 minutes. I laughed afterwards, too. I called one of my friends to tell her of the new barrier I had breached, "marriage talk," and laughed some more. I went to sleep crying. I was not ready to be serious any time soon.
I fabricated a lot of this. Just kidding. No, I did. No I am kidding. Not really. There’s nothing to see here, future employers.