Despacito Is Going to Save Us

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Here’s what’s going on: A lot of people find Justin Bieber singing the song Despacito intoxicating and for most, the phenomenon is confusing. The first few weeks the song was out, I noticed girls all over Twitter were gushing over this sultry remix to Luis Fonsi’s original version. The sensation of having Despacito on repeat is equivalent to people experiencing queso for the first time.

Recently, after my brother in law belted it out throughout an entire Sunday (off key), I realized the latin-pop appeal is an epidemic beyond gender and age. Sitting at #1 on every chart right now, Despacito is a global unifier. This is the first Spanish song since the Macarena that topped all global charts. I don’t think they’re capitalizing on a movement but I do appreciate the appeal amidst anti-immigrant, inflammatory remarks in America. Even if you don’t want to consider the political connotations, isn’t this all better than more songs to dump into EDM vacuum we’re all suffocating in? I'll take anything that means hearing less Chainsmokers.

To explain why I care/love what's happening, I have to go back to 10th grade me. In 2006, I pulled up to school for summer classes blasting Pitbull. This is before self-proclaimed Mr. Worldwide started churning out formulaic, club bangers. I was a closet reggaeton lover. I’m not sure my closest friends even knew how many CD’s were purposely unmarked. The resurgence of the genre in America carries nostalgic weight.

When I think of latin-pop’s appeal, one song rules this realm: Danza Kuduro by Don Omar. People everywhere, even after seven years since its debut, are still dancing to this song. Because of the song Gasolina, we all know Daddy Yankee. Senor Yankee no Doodle is now an influencer; similar to Lil’ Jon who just cameos in a song to instantly catapult it up the pop charts.

There’s something about the guys and gals in the Latin-tropi-pop world with their perfectly shaped eyebrows, serious faces, and semi-desirable tattoos.

Genre/artist crossovers are getting everyone onto this train: Bieber propelled Luis Fontes, J Balvin did a remix to Beiber's Sorry, Pharrell in J Balvin’s Safari... this might seem meaningless now but you’ll hear one of them on the dancefloor of the next wedding you attend.

The Latin-pop trend reminds us how we’re all more similar than different. Artists from Cuba, Colombia, Mexico, Venezuela, etc are singing in Spanish and inspiring us to relearn where these countries even are on a map (still not sure how our American education system has made most of us geographically handicap). The language barrier doesn’t matter: we all share the common interest for songs about love, heartbreak, and luxury goods.

Anyone new to this genre, I want to welcome you and your dance moves. We can thank Shakira, Enrique Iglesias, Jennifer Lopez, and Ricky Martin for being the bridge to the rest of the world and other mainstream latin stars.

I’m not an authority on this genre but if you need some names to get started and keep up, here’s who’s dominating the charts:

Songs That Deserve To Already Be "2000 & late"

Over- Drake

“We’ve been everywhere and back but I just can’t remember it all. What am I doin’?”

No really, what are you doing, Drake? I’m sure this song has some deeper connotations involving struggle and a profound mid-twenty crisis but it really just makes me laugh.

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga

Rah rah ah-ah-ah! Ro mah ro-mah-mah. Gaga Ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance. I want your ugly. I want your disease. I want your everything as long as it’s free. I want your love”

I’m not surprised. I would call it Nasty Romance, really, with Lady Gaga’s (supposed) unlady parts. But honestly, the video was rah rah ah aw awesome. This song is just obnoxiously catchy.

Rude Boy- Rihanna

“Come here rude boy, boy , can you get it up? Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?

Not only did she capitalize on her trauma with Chris Breezy with an entire new album, but she stripped his dignity along the way. Don’t get me wrong; I would probably have done the same. Rihanna is about to bring out a new era of "Ra-Ra"ing, over zealous feminists. Brace yourself, world.

But this is still Rated R for Repetitive Relentless-ness

Daddys Home- Usher

“You know your daddy’s home (daddys home), and its time to play (so its time to play)…”

Call me naïve or old fashioned but I really thought this was a sweet song about his non-existent daughter.

THEN he goes “So you aint got to give my loving away. So all my ladies say hey hey hey daddy…Poke it on out poke it out right here. I’mma fall back while you work that chair..”

OH. okay. I don’t care what Usher is flexin’ for some sexin’ but I refuse to call anyone “daddy”. While this point is being made, don’t call women shawty. Its one of those words that just sound dumb coming out of a normal persons mouth.

Fireflys- Owl City

To ten million fireflies. I’m weird cause I hate good byes. I got misty eyes as they say farewell.  But ill know where several are. If my dreams get real bizarre ‘cause I saved a few and keep them in a jar”

….a jar also full of rainbows, butterflies, and baby caterpillars? As “planet Earth turns slowly” in this song, little sane parts of me also die.

Obsessed- Mariah Carey

“ooh boy why you so obsessed with me?
 Boy I want to know- lyin’ that you’re sexin me”

I cant picture anyone other than Mariah Carey singing this. If she didn’t have so many rhinestoned butterflies shoved up her giant butt, she’d realize that only the man obsessed with her is an under aged, half sized Nick Cannon.

Watcha Say- Jason DeRulo

"Wha- wha- what did she say. Mmmm whatcha say, Mmm that you only meant well?"

Mmm, what you did was steal Imogean Heaps “Hide and Seek” and make it worse. SNL, however, did a good job of using it for their One Tree Hill parody.

Party in the USA- Miley Cyrus

"I got my hands up. They're playing my song. I know I'm gonna be okay, Yeah. It's a Party in the USA"

Shame on you, USA, for partying to this song. Hey Miley, Ke$ha called, she doesnt want to share the club light with you and your fake ID.

Down- Jay Sean

“So baby don’t worry, you are my only, You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down, You’ll be my only, no need to worry, Baby are you down down down down down,”

No baby, I’m not down, even if the sky is falling. And since when is it okay to rhyme a word with itself? “Do you remember” when Jay Sean was hot?

Baby- Justin Bieber

Are we an item? Girl quit playin' We're just friends, What are you sayin'?  Said there's another as you look right in my eyes. My first love, broke my heart for the first time. And I was like. Baby, baby, baby ooh”

Yes we know, Justin, you are an infant. That’s why this is so disgusting. Someone explain to me as to why this kid is famous? There are many striving artists out there who deserve to be daily trending topic more than Bieber. Someone find him a baby leash!

Replay- Iyaz

I will be damned if that song were to somehow work its way into my iTunes and get stuck on replay.

“Shawty's like a melody in my head. That I can't keep out 
Got me singin' like 
Na na na na everyday.It's like my iPod stuck on replay, replay-ay-ay-ay (2x)”

This is just painful on 14 levels. The earsplitting, auto-tuned filled voice aside, the lyrics compare the notorious “shawty” to a melody. I would be so pissed if I were this Shawty. Akon and Kanye’s love child, Iyaz, needs end with this unjustified, one hit wonder.

According to you- Orianthi

In tune: According to meee, this song sucks. Its stupid. Its irritating. And I don’t know why people like ittt.

I hate this song so much that I refuse to quote it (mainly because I’ve never heard anything past the first 15 seconds). This song is an instant station changer.