Like many American twists on old traditions, Halloween is truly….unique? I will probably allow the word “unique” to mean several different things in this post just to avoid the use of other less favorable terms to describe a few “Halloween Costumes”. October 31st is a “Get Out Of Jail Free Card” for our alter egos. It’s glorious. I love Victoria’s Secret mail: great deals, free stuff, and sexy pictures to accompany it. And then I saw this.
OH, so its not even a secret anymore? Up until this point I thought this kind of display of.. uniqueness during Halloween was supposed to be subtle? You know, “I just think sailors are cute. Wouldn’t it be fun? CUTE right?” …Mhm girl, you’re so right. Well, if its from Victorias Secret, your desire to show off your gym commitment outweighs your need for cuteness. At this point, you’re just trying to be unique. People become aware of our secret fetishes, childhood fantasies, and devilish side being displayed through our costumes. So on November 1, we reflect.
1. The Creative Geek
On October 31st, you’re the cool guy. These costumes tend to be larger, makeshift versions of technological devices, nerdy puzzles, a representation of an idea, or the most elaborate Sci-Fi costume you have ever seen. And sometimes, you just have to stop and ask because the spectacle is just beyond the understanding the mere mortals.
2. The Super Heroes
Why Wonder Woman? She was an equal to the male super heroes, could fly, had amazing hair, a “Lasso of Truth”, and was virtually indestructible. The super hero you choose can reflect your admirations and aspirations. Superheroes allow you to display little to an infinite amount of creativity.
3. The Public Goods and Services
I guess we enjoy the irony in it all because these costumes are always very unique. Cops, Firemen, Politicians, House Maids, Physicians, and Military Personnel...none are left behind. As a law-abiding citizen, I definitely understand this kind of appeal.
4. The I’m-Just-Here-For-The-Candy/“Candy”
After a certain point, it feels silly to dress up—I get it. But if you’re mooching for candy or partying in the name of Halloween, you should make some sort of attempt at a costume. Yeah, there’s always something to make fun of but at least everyone’s having fun with it. Showing up normal is a tad abnormal on October 31st.
5. The Why-So-Serious-Nightmare-On-Your-Street
Halloween is no joke for these people. These displays are sometimes so vivid, so gruesome that I really do have commend these freakshows. Leave it to all the clowns gone wrong, zombies, and horror film heroes to remind us what Halloween was originally all about.
6. The Let-Me-Ruin-Childrens’-Stories-For-You
Every time we uniq-ify another Disney Princess or witness Big Birds true potential, I imagine a sad life without fairy godmothers. Its pitiful and I love it. There is truth in this kind of corruption. This is the kind of magic grownups practice.
7. The Doppleganger
It usually sucks to hear that you look like a “less hot version” (ha) of a celebrity all the time but on October 31st , you market it. Sometimes it just helps to be the same race. Every year I think to be Lady Gaga and then I realize: I’m just not white enough (or ballsy enough).
8. The Group Effort
Always a success until you wander off on your own and look like you decided to just mismatch (Hey so, you’re the 90’s?). Mean Girls, DNA Sequence, a boy band, Adams Family, etc.
9. The Day Time Mafia Leader/Night Time Club Owner
This is the cop out for guys.
“Don’t feel like buying a costume but I look good in a suit?”
“My girlfriend bought me this hideous satin dress shirt”
“Jersey Shore, duh”
10. The Normally I’m Disgusting But Today I’m Extra Disgusting
When tacky is an understatement and there are sadly no consequences.
Halloween is not always a judgment of your character but it is a fun way to display a different side or build on yourself. Sometimes it helps you realize a person’s level of wit, childhood hero, or their unique alter ego that’s not so secret anymore.
Happy Halloween, Buffoons.