Orange is the New Not Sexy

OITNB Read time: 3 minutes

If you ever find yourself needing to wean off women, try watching a few episodes of Orange is the New Black. Netflix will do you so good with its own new TV series. By the end of the 13-episodes, you’ll know that women are capable of being untamed, pooping weirdos. (Men, we are already aware that you are very capable.) I think unsexy may be a new phase for television series. People are always beheaded on Game of Thrones. Breaking Bad exhibits the grimy side of life. Women are disgusting on Orange is the New Black. Leave it to a bunch of buzzing from Buzzfeed to have me believe that I was going to become a stray idiot if I didn’t quickly begin this dirty path to prison (though the series JUST aired). Based on a true story, though? ON IT.

Imagine a woman from Whole Foods, the kind who brings her own shopping bag to carry her organic produce and Free Trade Colombian roast. She has totally embraced her yuppi-ness, complete with a cute Jewish-fiancé-writer. Their names are Piper and Larry, aww. Can’t you already picture their beady little eyes? Now imagine Piper in prison. Isn’t that soo sexy? Almost. In her curious, soul-searching twenties, Piper dated an International Drug Pusher. Impassioned by her lust for danger and love for her girlfriend, Piper strapped on a wig and moved some drug money around. (This naughty pied Piper doesn’t only like pipes.) But the lust eventually wore off and Piper moved on to a more predictable, purely straight life. 10 years later, her past lurks back and the life she created is compromised. She’s convicted and sent to prison.

Piper is immersed into a world no book could have prepared her for. Prison does and doesn’t have rules all at the same time. The inmates carry the hype of this show. Everything is raw and sticky. The vomit, lesbian sex, catfights, and rap battles are in yo’ face. The best part of this show is how well they develop EVERY SINGLE character. Flashbacks of their past and personality twists will make you smirk and appreciate every inmate. They barter with candy bars and form racial alliances. The bathroom stalls have no doors. Paper towels are a novelty; you wipe off messes with pads.

The character dynamics of the inmates seem ironically unreal. A Russian redhead is the kitchen ringmaster. A jacked teeth meth-head leads the Jesus crusade. A firefighter transsexual is the hairstylist. The super zen yoga lady can kick your ass. The prison administrators range from creep to sad creep. The prison politics will have you sympathizing in every episode.

You have to face who you are in prison and deal with your injustices. Each story can be it’s own, a philosophy we tend to forget in most TV series. And because of all of this, you realize that every Beauty you know in this world can easily mold into a savage Beast in the barred prison world. It is extremely unsexy but so, so excellent to see women unrefined and at an unhinged core of themselves.