Girls' Night

I'm still not sure what we really mean when we say GIRLS' NIGHT! I’ve been “out with the girls”, at “dinner with the girls”, had a “girls night in” and variations of this she-bang. But....why do we do this? Maybe women are all secretly normal but on Girls' Night, things get strange . There’s always this chick who needs a no-judgment situation to eat chocolate covered strawberries. They’re not even tasty. The flavors fight for your attention in your mouth and the chocolate flakes off ungracefully.

There’s also a photographer of the group will document every critical event, providing you a play-by-play of the entire night for every social media outlet to endure the following day.

[Picture of the champagne and chocolate strawberries]

[Picture of all the girls toasting with chocolate strawberries in hand]

[Picture of all the girls pouting before they head out to town, oh haaaaay]

While this is going on, two members of this female clan will secretly be feuding over some kind of irreconcilable difference. Most of the night will include accommodating for their self-deprecating needs. THEN, one of the other girls will begin the night with an almost rehearsed monologue about the benefits of being single, the overall sense of freedom, and the endless demand of boys she gets to entertain. Near the end of the night, this same girl will mope around wondering who to pester via text, fail and then re-download Tinder.

Within this Girls’ Night dynamic also lies the  character who is totally content with her life. She may have a man but the point to remember is that she never needed one. She kind of has some extra squish but ugh, she works it so well. She never broadcasts how delicious her latte was that morning and you’ve only heard rumors that perhaps she enjoys the company of her cat. Listen girls, we hate her for this! During Girls’ Night, every time someone complains, she assures them that everything will work out in the end...the audacity.

Probably the worst kind of Girls' Night is when its a Bachelorette Party. Every town boasts a delightful Piano Bar but the tireless raid of women wearing feathers and penis tiaras suffocate Piano Bars. They request the entire Grease album, emasculating men and depriving other people of their Piano cover to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." It's a f-ing dictatorship run by the disastrous product of the Cheerleader effect.

There is also the self-appointed Game-Stopper: the anti-christ of a Wingman. Her goal the entire night is to make sure no other member of the Girls' Night breaks the one rule: No Boys, No Toys. She'll be all, "Excuse me, I get that you're a handsome dude with a successful start-up but my girl friend isn't interested in you. We're having girls' night." Goodbye, Future Husband.

And at last, the ~:~Girl Who Loves Her Boyfriend <3 ~:~. It was difficult to convince this girl to come out, she probably hasn't even had estrogen exposure in months because she's always so busy with the love of her life. Most of Girls' Night will be her expressing her unyielding gratitude for such great girl friends and how she really should do this more often. And that's the last time she ever does Girls' Night.