My Amazon Customer Review of “Time Off”

Read time: 3 minutes

⭐⭐⭐⭐ Best thing you can buy!
By Tareen A. on April 2, 2017
I recently purchased “Time Off”! I already ordered the “Loooong Vacation” a few months back and this supplemental product is exactly what I need to transition myself into a new career. I would give it a full five stars but the price tag is worrisome. There are cheaper versions but they require you to move back in with your parents so I opted for this one.

Thousands of millennials left gleaming reviews so I’m hopeful!  I’m not sure it guarantees “finding your calling.” The fine print on the box states that results vary for most users. BUT I get to wake up everyday and do what I want - so cool! The best feature is that it comes with enough downtime to get back into the gym. Loving this so far!

Update to my first review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ AMAZING!!
By Tareen A. on April 9, 2017
I’ve had this product for a week now and I can’t believe how well this holds up in my psyche. I’m updating my review to a full five stars! I’ve cooked three new dishes this week and casually glanced at some jobs opening up in my city. I’ve also finished two books!! Gone are the days where I wishfully dream of cooking, reading, and working out! My new life is awesome.

I would highly recommend time off to friends!

Update #2
⭐⭐⭐ Questionable Advertising…
By Tareen A. on April 18, 2017
Hi guys, just wanted to give another update since some time has passed from my first review - I want to be objective here! What this product doesn't tell you is...well, anything. It expects you to go through some trial and error before it all comes together. Right now, my “time off” is giving me anxiety because I can’t figure out where this takes me next. Dear Creators, customers would love minimal guidelines on how to best use this product...

“Time off” is also something all your family and friends will ask about. Everyone wants to know how it’s going and will offer their advice like, “Did you also purchase Rosetta Stone Mandarin?” When else could you casually learn another entire language? (???) Overall, it's going great but it’s worth noting that there are some kinks to work out.

Update #3
⭐⭐⭐ OK..but eventually need to buy a job! 
By Tareen A. on April 29, 2017
This review is more of an addendum to Update #2 because not much has changed and that’s exactly the problem!! I don’t really want to deduct any stars because I understand that it’s already a privilege that I can afford this product. It’s been four weeks so I guess you can say I’ve bought into all the marketing. Since my last update, I’ve had a few leads. At least now I know what type of writer/creative I want to become. Now I just need to figure out how to convince creative agencies to take a bet on me... instead of that fresh, experienceless college grad! Seems easy right?! Well, still no answers from the product but I think time off is more of a Mr. Miyagi and less Mr. Feeny.

Going forward, I would recommend Amazon to discontinue this product unless it also starts to sell viable “career transitions”. It’s a wonderful product as long as you know how to use it properly but I just don’t see how the average consumer can be trusted to figure it out. I just want to already be at that point in my life where I look back and say, “What were you so worried about? See, it all worked out and it’s because you got some Time Off to figure it all out!”

This satirical post was inspired by the Creative Director of The Onion & Editor of Slackjaw in this post.

Starboy: The Weeknd's Unaired MTV Cribs Episode

Read time: 5 minutes

Every now and then, a song comes out that I fall in love with on the first listen. The Weeknd’s (Abel Tesfaye) first song from his third album, Starboy, is about both the good and bad of mega stardom and establishes a new ear for him.  Around the fifth listen, I figured out why I like this song so much: it reminds me of one of my favorite childhood TV shows, MTV Cribs. MTV Cribs was a show where celebrities gave you a tour of their home to showcase their wealth and lifestyle. 

The song Starboy is like a cover of The Weeknd's MTV Cribs episode that never taped, that never aired. I’m confident Tesfaye grew up watching 'Cribs like the rest of us, dreaming that one day he'd be featured. This show unfortunately stopped airing in 2010, along with everything else that ever mattered. I guess this song is his redemption. 

Tesfaye walks you through all the classic Crib's scenes in Starboy:

  1. Dramatic entrance
  2. Catalog of cars
  3. Mention of their superstar significant other
  4. Celebrity Cameos
  5. Shout out to the haters
  6. Shout out to Momma

The Episode Begins.

The front door of the house opens and Tesfaye goes straight into it.

LYRICS: “I'm tryna put you in the worst mood, ah”

TESFAYE: Welcome MTV, you’re about be mad about all this.

This “welcome” is a special tribute to Dave Chappelle's 2006 episode entrance.

MTV Cribs | 2006

Afterwards, Tesfaye heads to his multi-car garage to show off his latest toys.

LYRICS: “P1 cleaner than your church shoes, ah

Milli point 2 just to hurt you, ah

All red lamb just to tease you, ah

None of these toys on lease too, ah

Made your whole year in a week too, yah”

TESFAYE: Let me make you re-evaluate your church attire because you wouldn’t even be allowed to worship my $1.2 million McLaren P1 with what you’re wearing. Take a few more steps. Meet car #2: a red Lamborghini (with a market price of half a million). What did you expect? My weekly salary exceeds your annual gross income.  

Now, there were some humble celebrities on Cribs (Missy Elliot, I still think about your episode) and then there were some unapologetically honest ones.

We can’t forget Mariah. We never forget Mariah.

MTV Cribs | 2002  Mariah Carey: someone who only does what's absolutely necessary. 

MTV Cribs | 2002

Mariah Carey: someone who only does what's absolutely necessary. 

LYRICS: “Main bitch out of your league too, ah

Side bitch out of your league too, ah”

TESFAYE: Let’s walk down another corridor in my home. We’ve passed more bedrooms than women all of you have probably slept with... My side girl is incomprehensibly beyond your reach and don’t even ask about my actual girlfriend.

LYRICS: “House so empty need a centerpiece

20 racks a table cut from ebony

Cut that ivory into skinny pieces

Then she clean it with her face man

I love my baby”

TESFAYE: MTV, I know this house is all size with no filling so I purchased a $20k ebony table for everyone to do drugs off. Oh hey Bella [Bella Hadid is now making a cameo in this episode] keep doing you on that table, don’t mind these cameras, love you baby.

Bella Hadid, Supermodel

Bella Hadid, Supermodel

The best MTV Cribs episodes were all about the celeb on celeb cameos. Like when Ja Rule was throwing a party during his episode and casually shook hands with Vin Diesel when he dropped in. Neither of these people matter now but for a small second in space in time, they were kings.

MTV Cribs | 2004

MTV Cribs | 2004

LYRICS: “You talking money need a hearing aid

You talking bout me I don't see the shade

Switch up my style I take any lane

Switch up my cup I kill any pain”

TESFAYE: I’m really tired of people talking about their wealth or trying to figure out who I am. The irony is deafening. I can do any genre and when it comes to sex, drugs, alcohol or R&B, I’ve done it all. I can kill any pain.

[The camera crew filming still has no idea what he’s been drinking from his cup throughout the episode. But they're going along with it. That's what Cribs is about.]

It gets a little dark here. Tesfaye describes himself as a starboy, a satirical jab at himself for becoming someone that’s given up their soul to rise to astronomical fame. He’s killed off his self both metaphorically (by chopping off his iconic hair recently) and also literally (by doing drugs). We’re not really sure who he’s blaming: his record label? His fans? His barber?

LYRICS: Look what you done!

I'm a mother fuckin Starboy

Every day a ni**a try to test me, ah

Every day a ni**a try to end me, ah

...

Coming for the king that's a far cry I

I come alive in the fall time I”

TESFAYE: People question me, people test me, and they’re definitely after me. But here’s the truth: there’s an empty throne out there right now. This generation has no Michael Jackson - but I’ve got a long way to go before I can become anything like him but that's the goal. I release my albums in the fall every year, I’m on the pumpkin spice calendar baby.

Probably the best part of Cribs was that most people would drag their mothers into the mess.

LYRICS: “Bought momma a crib and a brand new wagon

Now she hit the grocery shop lookin lavish

...

Hundred on the dash get me close to God

We don't pray for love we just pray for cars”

TESFAYE: The last thing I wanted to do before you all head out is to show you is my mom's new wagon: this Mercedes G Wagon is an upgrade from the station wagon she drove us in growing up. I just want everyone to know that I love my momma and she deserves the best, even when doing ordinary tasks like groceries.

Well MTV, it was nice having you over. I’m about to speed off  100 mph recklessly just to feel closer to the God I'm challenging. 

Personal note: How do I replace my RBF with this face of indifference?

Personal note: How do I replace my RBF with this face of indifference?

This concludes our hypothetical MTV Cribs episode. I'm sorry this show stopped airing before you became famous, Abel Tesfaye. 

Top Five Things I Can't Live Without This Season

Read time 3 minutes

top favorites blog (4)
top favorites blog (4)

#1 Industrial Donut Machine

I get donuts about 3 - 4 times a week and it was time I finally invested in a great donut maker. This one will pay for itself in 47 years so I’m definitely excited. Now that I make fresh donuts every morning at 3 am, I don’t understand how I used to live without it. It’s so much easier than stopping at your nearest donut shop run by asians across the street. It’s weird to think that I used to not have one of these.

#2 Colgate Toothpaste

I love incorporating this fresh and dainty paste into my morning and bedtime routine. I discovered a while back in my life and now I simply can’t live without it! I used to use Sensodyne but I feel that I need to breathe mintier, new life into my daily routine. And it's so affordable, this is my favorite drugstore buy.

#3 Lululemon Yoga Block

This has been on my wishlist for a few months (I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it) and caved this past weekend. Even though I don’t do yoga, I know this stacked and ultra versatile yoga block will inspire me to be more and do more. Sometimes you have to feed your soul. The dense foam is made out of this special sap from a tree in the Amazon so that the air in the US remains unpolluted. Happy mind, happy soul.

# 4 Alexander McQueen Umbrella

Let’s talk about our weather. It’s been storming every day for many days now. This affects most of us and this Alexander McQueen umbrella is the perfect solution to all your daily wetness problems. It versatile with its sleek design and carrying case. It’s the ideal way to shield yourself against the rain and let others know that you’re still concerned about both function and form.

# 5 Abacus for iPhone

I’m a little cracked out on Trivia Crack and now that my mom plays CandyCrush, I can’t be seen with that app. Sorry, Mom - ha! Recently one of my friends introduced me to the Abacus app. I love old trends making a new come back and this app seriously solves so many everyday problems for me. It’s just easier to pull out this app and let someone know that 823 - 387 equals 436! There simply isn’t a need for the calculator app on your phone. This ancient counting frame cannot go wrong!

Hope this list helps you get an idea of what's super in this season!