Despacito Is Going to Save Us

Read time: 3 minutes

slowly

Here’s what’s going on: A lot of people find Justin Bieber singing the song Despacito intoxicating and for most, the phenomenon is confusing. The first few weeks the song was out, I noticed girls all over Twitter were gushing over this sultry remix to Luis Fonsi’s original version. The sensation of having Despacito on repeat is equivalent to people experiencing queso for the first time.

Recently, after my brother in law belted it out throughout an entire Sunday (off key), I realized the latin-pop appeal is an epidemic beyond gender and age. Sitting at #1 on every chart right now, Despacito is a global unifier. This is the first Spanish song since the Macarena that topped all global charts. I don’t think they’re capitalizing on a movement but I do appreciate the appeal amidst anti-immigrant, inflammatory remarks in America. Even if you don’t want to consider the political connotations, isn’t this all better than more songs to dump into EDM vacuum we’re all suffocating in? I'll take anything that means hearing less Chainsmokers.

To explain why I care/love what's happening, I have to go back to 10th grade me. In 2006, I pulled up to school for summer classes blasting Pitbull. This is before self-proclaimed Mr. Worldwide started churning out formulaic, club bangers. I was a closet reggaeton lover. I’m not sure my closest friends even knew how many CD’s were purposely unmarked. The resurgence of the genre in America carries nostalgic weight.

When I think of latin-pop’s appeal, one song rules this realm: Danza Kuduro by Don Omar. People everywhere, even after seven years since its debut, are still dancing to this song. Because of the song Gasolina, we all know Daddy Yankee. Senor Yankee no Doodle is now an influencer; similar to Lil’ Jon who just cameos in a song to instantly catapult it up the pop charts.

There’s something about the guys and gals in the Latin-tropi-pop world with their perfectly shaped eyebrows, serious faces, and semi-desirable tattoos.

Genre/artist crossovers are getting everyone onto this train: Bieber propelled Luis Fontes, J Balvin did a remix to Beiber's Sorry, Pharrell in J Balvin’s Safari... this might seem meaningless now but you’ll hear one of them on the dancefloor of the next wedding you attend.

The Latin-pop trend reminds us how we’re all more similar than different. Artists from Cuba, Colombia, Mexico, Venezuela, etc are singing in Spanish and inspiring us to relearn where these countries even are on a map (still not sure how our American education system has made most of us geographically handicap). The language barrier doesn’t matter: we all share the common interest for songs about love, heartbreak, and luxury goods.

Anyone new to this genre, I want to welcome you and your dance moves. We can thank Shakira, Enrique Iglesias, Jennifer Lopez, and Ricky Martin for being the bridge to the rest of the world and other mainstream latin stars.

I’m not an authority on this genre but if you need some names to get started and keep up, here’s who’s dominating the charts:

Starboy: The Weeknd's Unaired MTV Cribs Episode

Read time: 5 minutes

Every now and then, a song comes out that I fall in love with on the first listen. The Weeknd’s (Abel Tesfaye) first song from his third album, Starboy, is about both the good and bad of mega stardom and establishes a new ear for him.  Around the fifth listen, I figured out why I like this song so much: it reminds me of one of my favorite childhood TV shows, MTV Cribs. MTV Cribs was a show where celebrities gave you a tour of their home to showcase their wealth and lifestyle. 

The song Starboy is like a cover of The Weeknd's MTV Cribs episode that never taped, that never aired. I’m confident Tesfaye grew up watching 'Cribs like the rest of us, dreaming that one day he'd be featured. This show unfortunately stopped airing in 2010, along with everything else that ever mattered. I guess this song is his redemption. 

Tesfaye walks you through all the classic Crib's scenes in Starboy:

  1. Dramatic entrance
  2. Catalog of cars
  3. Mention of their superstar significant other
  4. Celebrity Cameos
  5. Shout out to the haters
  6. Shout out to Momma

The Episode Begins.

The front door of the house opens and Tesfaye goes straight into it.

LYRICS: “I'm tryna put you in the worst mood, ah”

TESFAYE: Welcome MTV, you’re about be mad about all this.

This “welcome” is a special tribute to Dave Chappelle's 2006 episode entrance.

MTV Cribs | 2006

Afterwards, Tesfaye heads to his multi-car garage to show off his latest toys.

LYRICS: “P1 cleaner than your church shoes, ah

Milli point 2 just to hurt you, ah

All red lamb just to tease you, ah

None of these toys on lease too, ah

Made your whole year in a week too, yah”

TESFAYE: Let me make you re-evaluate your church attire because you wouldn’t even be allowed to worship my $1.2 million McLaren P1 with what you’re wearing. Take a few more steps. Meet car #2: a red Lamborghini (with a market price of half a million). What did you expect? My weekly salary exceeds your annual gross income.  

Now, there were some humble celebrities on Cribs (Missy Elliot, I still think about your episode) and then there were some unapologetically honest ones.

We can’t forget Mariah. We never forget Mariah.

MTV Cribs | 2002  Mariah Carey: someone who only does what's absolutely necessary. 

MTV Cribs | 2002

Mariah Carey: someone who only does what's absolutely necessary. 

LYRICS: “Main bitch out of your league too, ah

Side bitch out of your league too, ah”

TESFAYE: Let’s walk down another corridor in my home. We’ve passed more bedrooms than women all of you have probably slept with... My side girl is incomprehensibly beyond your reach and don’t even ask about my actual girlfriend.

LYRICS: “House so empty need a centerpiece

20 racks a table cut from ebony

Cut that ivory into skinny pieces

Then she clean it with her face man

I love my baby”

TESFAYE: MTV, I know this house is all size with no filling so I purchased a $20k ebony table for everyone to do drugs off. Oh hey Bella [Bella Hadid is now making a cameo in this episode] keep doing you on that table, don’t mind these cameras, love you baby.

Bella Hadid, Supermodel

Bella Hadid, Supermodel

The best MTV Cribs episodes were all about the celeb on celeb cameos. Like when Ja Rule was throwing a party during his episode and casually shook hands with Vin Diesel when he dropped in. Neither of these people matter now but for a small second in space in time, they were kings.

MTV Cribs | 2004

MTV Cribs | 2004

LYRICS: “You talking money need a hearing aid

You talking bout me I don't see the shade

Switch up my style I take any lane

Switch up my cup I kill any pain”

TESFAYE: I’m really tired of people talking about their wealth or trying to figure out who I am. The irony is deafening. I can do any genre and when it comes to sex, drugs, alcohol or R&B, I’ve done it all. I can kill any pain.

[The camera crew filming still has no idea what he’s been drinking from his cup throughout the episode. But they're going along with it. That's what Cribs is about.]

It gets a little dark here. Tesfaye describes himself as a starboy, a satirical jab at himself for becoming someone that’s given up their soul to rise to astronomical fame. He’s killed off his self both metaphorically (by chopping off his iconic hair recently) and also literally (by doing drugs). We’re not really sure who he’s blaming: his record label? His fans? His barber?

LYRICS: Look what you done!

I'm a mother fuckin Starboy

Every day a ni**a try to test me, ah

Every day a ni**a try to end me, ah

...

Coming for the king that's a far cry I

I come alive in the fall time I”

TESFAYE: People question me, people test me, and they’re definitely after me. But here’s the truth: there’s an empty throne out there right now. This generation has no Michael Jackson - but I’ve got a long way to go before I can become anything like him but that's the goal. I release my albums in the fall every year, I’m on the pumpkin spice calendar baby.

Probably the best part of Cribs was that most people would drag their mothers into the mess.

LYRICS: “Bought momma a crib and a brand new wagon

Now she hit the grocery shop lookin lavish

...

Hundred on the dash get me close to God

We don't pray for love we just pray for cars”

TESFAYE: The last thing I wanted to do before you all head out is to show you is my mom's new wagon: this Mercedes G Wagon is an upgrade from the station wagon she drove us in growing up. I just want everyone to know that I love my momma and she deserves the best, even when doing ordinary tasks like groceries.

Well MTV, it was nice having you over. I’m about to speed off  100 mph recklessly just to feel closer to the God I'm challenging. 

Personal note: How do I replace my RBF with this face of indifference?

Personal note: How do I replace my RBF with this face of indifference?

This concludes our hypothetical MTV Cribs episode. I'm sorry this show stopped airing before you became famous, Abel Tesfaye. 

Kendrick Lamar for When You Want to Change Your World

Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp a Butterfly should’ve won album of the year at the Grammy’s last night. I’m not usually this resolute but there is not a single argument to refute this.

Last year, I sat down for a few hours to mindfully and intentionally listen to the album. It changed my values. I wanted to remember everything I thought I understood and felt - it’s written below. I don’t post everything I write, especially if I can barely understand what everything is supposed to mean. But this dude should’ve won. So here's to you.

I’m so sorry Lamar.

Written March 22, 2015 / Read time: 4 minutes

You can listen to Drake when you’re emotional, but go to Kendrick Lamar when you want to change the world. Kendrick is the greatest thing happening right now in rap and social evolution. You could teach a history, literature, or psychology class with his new album - and I think that’s what makes a great album. To Pimp a Butterfly is full of powerful stories that speak even louder than its beautiful jazz and funk. This isn’t an album/songs review because there are too many layered concepts and complex allusions. It will take me years to fully let this album sink in.

A few takeaways from each song that left me in daze for days:  

Wesleys Theory

Most singers and artist have their pre-stardom story and it’s usually a rough one fit for movies. When artists finally make it out (of their cocoon), they get lost in the light. Artists become a slave to the label. In his second album after m.A.A.d, Kendrick tells the story he initially wanted to tell.

For Free? (Interlude)

The Government won't help.
Kendrick’s been used by women.
Society has insatiable expectations of artists, black men, black people.
Corporations suck you dry.
The American Government isn’t here to help you.

Kendrick has an agenda.

King Kunta

The moment you become a King, you are both in power and a slave. King’s are at the mercy of the voice of the people, people are at the mercy of the power of the King. Even if Kendrick becomes King, he is at the mercy of listeners, the fans, the critics, the industry ..

Institutionalized

Institutional-lies.

These Walls

The inner walls of a woman, the inner walls of a prison cell, the walls we put up against others, the walls we put up to protect ourselves, and the walls we live in/confines of a cocoon.

u

It starts with a scream but everything in this song is Kendrick beating himself up for his pasts’ mistakes, indulging in his dark thoughts. It’s a reminder to himself that theres a long way ahead for him to make his life, this industry right.

Alright

I almost forgot Kendrick was religious and very Christian until this song. He pulls himself out of darkness and let himself and others know its all going to be alright. Sometimes he needs god, sometimes he needs painkillers or women. He won’t judge himself, he’ll just stick through it all with faith. No matter the injustices in this world, everything will be fine afterwards.

For Sale? (Interlude)

Here something else clicked. The last song ended with a lot of references to Lucy/Lucifer/Satan. And while “For Free?” talks about the abuse of artists, “For Sale” talks about how they chose the glamor and torturous life. They were lured in by the money and ultimately it ends in the artist's’ demise / humanity's demise.

Momma

The temptations and pervasive nature of fame sent Kendrick running back to his Compton roots for life’s answers, turning back to his joy in writing, and seeking artistic redemption.  

Hood Politics

Kendrick doesn’t care about hip-hop drama. He isn’t interested in defiling his work with gossip like most rappers do these days. He focuses on life, his life, the hood life - the music life.

How Much a Dollar Cost

How far will you go to make money?
How far will you stretch that money to gain fame?
What is the true price we pay for the things we own?
What would that dollar do for someone in a third world country?

(edit 2016: this one is
Obama’s favorite song)

Complexion (Zulu Love)

Takes us through the historical journey of racially divided societies in South Africa, Germany, and America. It’s a reminder that though we’ve come a long way, there is still so much room for reform.

The Blacker the Berry

This is my favorite song, forcing me to reevaluate injustices within my own community. A part of the solution to racism/prejudices will be to end the self perpetuating cycle of hate propaganda. It is important now more than ever to be conscious of how we express our opinions and thoughts if we’re serious about eradicating prejudice.

You Ain’t Gotta Lie (Momma Said)

This is about the importance of being yourself. Once again, if you have nothing good to say, don't say it at all. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, don’t add to the noise. Talk about solutions, not the problems.

i

This song is the exact counterpart to “The Blacker the Berry”, exalting the triumphs and influence of black people. This is the only purely feel good track - which was important because at this point, I was overwhelmed with frustrations against society. It’s important to keep your spirit alive if you plan on being a part of the positive change.

Mortal Man

During this time you have on earth, be conscious of the good and bad propaganda that drives your actions. “When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan,” will you stick it through the tough times? Kendrick lives by acting on the words of Mandela, continues the work of Tupac, and lives as a man of God.

He should have won. Even if you disregard the albums impact on social change, even if you disregard it's comparison to other nominated albums, you can't ignore everything that went into To Pimp a Butterfly. 

Some cool thoughts from Kendrick and his squad on Medium.

An Analysis of the Song “Tuesday”, the Tale of ILOVEMAKONNEN’s Pre-Fame Drug Empire

Read time: 4 minutes

Makonnen Sheran , street name iLoveMakonnen, is a hip-hop artist from Atlanta. He rose to fame in 2014 after having Drake remix his life's song "Tuesday". This song is more than a club anthem, it is a modern day classic story about love, the hustle, drugs and power.

Main Hook:

Got the club goin' up, on a Tuesday,

Got your girl in the cut and she choosay 

Makonnen is really busy Sunday, Monday and Wednesday - Saturday. He is against the traditional corporate America work structure.

Your girl likes this, which is why she is currently with Makonnen instead of you. They are in their own special corner of the night club, “da cut”, because she is a refined and selective lady. Note: “the cut” also foreshadows the illegal drug nature of Makonnen's business.

Workin' Monday night, on the corner flippin' hard,

Made at least 3 thousand, on the Boulevard

The story begins Monday, where Makonnen was making multiple, high-quality drug deals. The phrase “flippin’ hard” serves as a pun to dramatize the quality of his goods and his tireless effort to sell tons of drugs. On any given night, he could generate sales of upwards of $3-4k.

I've been workin' graveyard shifts every other weekend,

Ain't got no fuckin' time to party on the weekend

This business is hard, blue-collar work. Homie isn’t clocking out at 5pm, he is flippin’ while you're busy trippin’ at happy hour.

I've been flippin' in the house, makin' juugs on the highway,

I've been ridin' out of state, makin' money like my way

In order to maintain a competitive edge in the blackmarket, Makonnen strives to keep his customers happy. His start-up has skyrocketed in sales on both the “Boulevard” and his home, leading him to expand operations to other cities through covert logistics through interstate highways.

I don't think that I should dance, I'm just gon' have another drink

Through this journey so far, Makonnen establishes that he is no Mom and Pop shop, he is a mogul on the rise. And this mogul has finally had the chance to celebrate on this fine Tuesday. He is humble about his work, thus refraining from dancing and maintaining a demeanor of mystery by drinking.

I'm doin' my stance, you know my molly pink,

I got the loudest of the loud, you know I got stink

Makonnen takes this moment to pitch some of his products. He is being casual while tripping on pink MDMA, in case you had any doubts of his sensitive side. Speaking of product line, we all know you’ve been wondering and the answer is yes. He has “the loudest of the loud”, the best of the best, so look no further: he has marijuana.

My P.O think I'm in the house,

Don't give a damn about what she think

Like most politicians and Fortune 500 Executives, Makonnen has a skeleton in his closet. He doesn’t delve too deep into his pasts’ woes and misfortunes but it involves a serious run in with law enforcement. A tinge of his cockiness comes out here, just as any man would be when his pride and work is questioned.

It ain’t no way no how,

I made it on my own, I made my own style,

I don't think that I should stay, you know I gotta' go,

You're moving too fast, don’t wanna take it slow

At the height of his business and near Cartel endorsement, Makonnen walks away from it all. He knew he created something beautiful from nothing, a true American success story. In the end, it was all too fast paced and he didn't want to stray away from what he truly loved: simply rapping about it all.

2004 Was the Greatest Year for Music of All Time

You can try to argue with me on this one but 2004 was THE GREATEST year for all kinds of music. Just think about how old you were and where you were then before you check the list. I was in 8th grade and I would rush home after school everyday to catch MTV's Total Request Live because each day seemed that sensational. So, after 2 hours of scouring through Wikipedia to check song release dates and prancing around in nostaligia, my friend and I finished compiling this list. Most of these artists had multiple chart-toppers but I tried to avoid repeating them. Each of these are exclusively great, hilarious, and equally a classic. I'm not vouching for all of these artists but they definitely made a societal impact with these songs:

  1. Yeah! –Usher ft. Lil Jon and Ludacris
  2. She Likes to Move – NERD
  3. All Falls Down – Kanye West
  4. The Reason –Hoobastank
  5. Hey Ya! – Outkast
  6. Lean Back –Terror Squad
  7. Float On –Modest Mouse
  8. Tipsy – J-Kwon
  9. Goodies – Ciara
  10. Work It – Missy Elliot
  11. American Idiot –Green Day
  12. Freek-a-Leek –Petey Pablo ft. Lil Jon
  13. My Immortal –Evanescence
  14. Dirt Off Your Shoulder –Jay Z
  15. Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand
  16. Overnight Celebrity –Twista
  17. Since U Been Gone –Kelly Clarkson
  18. Hotel –Cassidy feat. R Kelly
  19. Numb –Linkin Park
  20. She Will Be Loved – Maroon 5
  21. Karma – Alicia Keys
  22. Pieces – Sum 41
  23. Get Low – Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz ft. Ying Yang Twins
  24. Drop It Like Its Hot – Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell
  25. Are You Gonna Be My Girl – Jet
  26. Where is the Love? – Black Eyed Peas
  27. Just Lose It – Eminem
  28. Breathe Me – Sia
  29. Leave (Get Out) – JoJo
  30. Toxic – Britney Spears
  31. Come Clean – Hilary Duff
  32. Milkshake –Kelis
  33. White Flag – Dido
  34. On Fire – Lloyed Banks
  35. Miss You – Blink 182
  36. Holidae Inn – Chingy ft. Ludacris & Snoop Dogg
  37. Rumors – Lindsay Lohan
  38. I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness
  39. Culo – Pitbull Ft. Sean Paul
  40. Smile – Lilly Allen
  41. Gasolina – Daddy Yankee
  42. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani
  43. Wait (Whisper Song) – Ying Yang Twins
  44. Vertigo – U2
  45. I Don’t Want You Back – Eamon
  46. Slow Motion –Juvenile
  47. Somewhere Only We Know –Keane
  48. My Happy Ending –Avril Lavigne
  49. Ch-Check It Out –Beastie Boys

No, I wont shut up. That all happened in 2004.

 

Swim Good: Frank Oceans Letter

When I first heard, I had the unique luxury of a friend reading Frank Oceans poetic letter out loud to me.

“Whoever you are, wherever you are…I’m starting to think that we’re a lot alike”.

And everything suddenly stood still. I’m not musically inclined, I have minimum artistic qualities, and I’m straight. But I felt Frank Ocean. I clung on to each word and because I wasn’t reading, I was seeing.

We’re in blackness. Did you even know there was blackness? There is a struggle. There is truth. If you can’t accept the sexuality of others, then this isn’t for you. There’s little for you. This is for those who oversee these differences but have yet to empathize. We can try. Recently, there has been an even stronger theme for progress from social pioneers. Each story heavies my chest but this one I really felt. Its raw.

We’re all in blackness, attempting to live truthfully.

I’ve carried a motto within me the past few years that has helped me through anything and everything: Empathize often. If you can place yourself somewhere foreign, then you know what’s right. It has helped me find everything good in my world. So how much would it hurt if I felt like a prisoner in my own body?

Because I couldn’t be honest with myself.

Because I couldn’t tell my friends who my heart felt for.

Because my parents wanted everything else of me.

These prisoners spend their lives with mixtures of guilt and confusion. They never want to know what’s at the end of a sentence that begins with homosexuality and ends with God. Why isn’t this darkness a part of our past already?

By the time Frank Ocean realized he was in love, it had become “malignant”. Anyone who has loved knows what that means.

I see Frank sitting, stiff because his words are fleeting too freely to his friend. I see his tears. I picture the sad years passing because he didn’t know his feelings were reciprocated. But he harnessed what he was given. He told himself he was going to be fine, and so he was. He spent years developing his craft and creating great music.

I admire what he's done with his words. I’ve always enjoyed his music but now his letter injects a new spirit into my breaths. His dialogue has resonated in my thoughts for a few days now.

I’m going to be seeing him in concert soon. I hope I get a chance to tell him: “Hey Frank, we’re nowhere near a falling sky”.

Sir Usher Raymond IV

The creases from the frown on my face were going to become permanent if Usher hadn't disrupted the "performance" by The Black Eyed Peas during halftime. While the Peas seemed to struggle with "multi-tasking", Usher made simultaneous singing and dancing look easy. Usher prancing around the stage was the only real performance other than the thousand lit up aliens running around the fields. (Well done, Dallas high schools’ dance teams!) Although no one can dispute Ushers talent, I have to wonder why a voice that charismatic chooses to sing such nonsensical songs.

With a marvelous inspiration from The Axis of Ego, I too have decided to do a lyrical analysis–but with an Usher song—to plead my case.

Please listen to DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love as I decipher his cryptic message:

I have returned to the establishment for partying. There are people

frolicking from one end to the other—one end to the other. I am

grateful that my treacherous week has ended. A rush of life begins to

overcome me, as if I have risen from the bed of death—risen from the

bed of death.

While raising my arms, I realize that many others have done the same.

Something begins overcome me. I peruse through the

flood of neon lights and set my gaze upon a female. I wonder, “have I

seen her before?”

I recollect her eyes, yes her eyes. If you haven’t realized, I remembered her eyes.

Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Yes, my beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Dance, dance as if you will never live breathe again, let your inhibitions go, go. I have you so precisely. Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance again.

Quench your thirst with spirit. Do it right away, right away, right away, right away. I shall cast flames upon this roof. I shall scorch this establishment to the ground, ground, ground, ground, ground. Raise your arms! When the melody fades, you and I shall raise our arms. Rest your palms upon my chest—I vow upon the heavens that I have remembered you properly.

I vow upon the heavens that I remember you. Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Yes, my beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Dance, dance as if you will never live breathe again, let your inhibitions go, go. Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. (3x)

I extend my appreciation, disc jockey.

Usher, please find a new lyricist and better songs so you make it to my iTunes library.

Songs That Deserve To Already Be "2000 & late"

Over- Drake

“We’ve been everywhere and back but I just can’t remember it all. What am I doin’?”

No really, what are you doing, Drake? I’m sure this song has some deeper connotations involving struggle and a profound mid-twenty crisis but it really just makes me laugh.

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga

Rah rah ah-ah-ah! Ro mah ro-mah-mah. Gaga Ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance. I want your ugly. I want your disease. I want your everything as long as it’s free. I want your love”

I’m not surprised. I would call it Nasty Romance, really, with Lady Gaga’s (supposed) unlady parts. But honestly, the video was rah rah ah aw awesome. This song is just obnoxiously catchy.

Rude Boy- Rihanna

“Come here rude boy, boy , can you get it up? Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?

Not only did she capitalize on her trauma with Chris Breezy with an entire new album, but she stripped his dignity along the way. Don’t get me wrong; I would probably have done the same. Rihanna is about to bring out a new era of "Ra-Ra"ing, over zealous feminists. Brace yourself, world.

But this is still Rated R for Repetitive Relentless-ness

Daddys Home- Usher

“You know your daddy’s home (daddys home), and its time to play (so its time to play)…”

Call me naïve or old fashioned but I really thought this was a sweet song about his non-existent daughter.

THEN he goes “So you aint got to give my loving away. So all my ladies say hey hey hey daddy…Poke it on out poke it out right here. I’mma fall back while you work that chair..”

OH. okay. I don’t care what Usher is flexin’ for some sexin’ but I refuse to call anyone “daddy”. While this point is being made, don’t call women shawty. Its one of those words that just sound dumb coming out of a normal persons mouth.

Fireflys- Owl City

To ten million fireflies. I’m weird cause I hate good byes. I got misty eyes as they say farewell.  But ill know where several are. If my dreams get real bizarre ‘cause I saved a few and keep them in a jar”

….a jar also full of rainbows, butterflies, and baby caterpillars? As “planet Earth turns slowly” in this song, little sane parts of me also die.

Obsessed- Mariah Carey

“ooh boy why you so obsessed with me?
 Boy I want to know- lyin’ that you’re sexin me”

I cant picture anyone other than Mariah Carey singing this. If she didn’t have so many rhinestoned butterflies shoved up her giant butt, she’d realize that only the man obsessed with her is an under aged, half sized Nick Cannon.

Watcha Say- Jason DeRulo

"Wha- wha- what did she say. Mmmm whatcha say, Mmm that you only meant well?"

Mmm, what you did was steal Imogean Heaps “Hide and Seek” and make it worse. SNL, however, did a good job of using it for their One Tree Hill parody.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu8dHe07L6w

Party in the USA- Miley Cyrus

"I got my hands up. They're playing my song. I know I'm gonna be okay, Yeah. It's a Party in the USA"

Shame on you, USA, for partying to this song. Hey Miley, Ke$ha called, she doesnt want to share the club light with you and your fake ID.

Down- Jay Sean

“So baby don’t worry, you are my only, You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down, You’ll be my only, no need to worry, Baby are you down down down down down,”

No baby, I’m not down, even if the sky is falling. And since when is it okay to rhyme a word with itself? “Do you remember” when Jay Sean was hot?

Baby- Justin Bieber

Are we an item? Girl quit playin' We're just friends, What are you sayin'?  Said there's another as you look right in my eyes. My first love, broke my heart for the first time. And I was like. Baby, baby, baby ooh”

Yes we know, Justin, you are an infant. That’s why this is so disgusting. Someone explain to me as to why this kid is famous? There are many striving artists out there who deserve to be daily trending topic more than Bieber. Someone find him a baby leash!

Replay- Iyaz

I will be damned if that song were to somehow work its way into my iTunes and get stuck on replay.

“Shawty's like a melody in my head. That I can't keep out 
Got me singin' like 
Na na na na everyday.It's like my iPod stuck on replay, replay-ay-ay-ay (2x)”

This is just painful on 14 levels. The earsplitting, auto-tuned filled voice aside, the lyrics compare the notorious “shawty” to a melody. I would be so pissed if I were this Shawty. Akon and Kanye’s love child, Iyaz, needs end with this unjustified, one hit wonder.

According to you- Orianthi

In tune: According to meee, this song sucks. Its stupid. Its irritating. And I don’t know why people like ittt.

I hate this song so much that I refuse to quote it (mainly because I’ve never heard anything past the first 15 seconds). This song is an instant station changer.