My Amazon Customer Review of “Time Off”

Read time: 3 minutes

⭐⭐⭐⭐ Best thing you can buy!
By Tareen A. on April 2, 2017
I recently purchased “Time Off”! I already ordered the “Loooong Vacation” a few months back and this supplemental product is exactly what I need to transition myself into a new career. I would give it a full five stars but the price tag is worrisome. There are cheaper versions but they require you to move back in with your parents so I opted for this one.

Thousands of millennials left gleaming reviews so I’m hopeful!  I’m not sure it guarantees “finding your calling.” The fine print on the box states that results vary for most users. BUT I get to wake up everyday and do what I want - so cool! The best feature is that it comes with enough downtime to get back into the gym. Loving this so far!

Update to my first review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ AMAZING!!
By Tareen A. on April 9, 2017
I’ve had this product for a week now and I can’t believe how well this holds up in my psyche. I’m updating my review to a full five stars! I’ve cooked three new dishes this week and casually glanced at some jobs opening up in my city. I’ve also finished two books!! Gone are the days where I wishfully dream of cooking, reading, and working out! My new life is awesome.

I would highly recommend time off to friends!

Update #2
⭐⭐⭐ Questionable Advertising…
By Tareen A. on April 18, 2017
Hi guys, just wanted to give another update since some time has passed from my first review - I want to be objective here! What this product doesn't tell you is...well, anything. It expects you to go through some trial and error before it all comes together. Right now, my “time off” is giving me anxiety because I can’t figure out where this takes me next. Dear Creators, customers would love minimal guidelines on how to best use this product...

“Time off” is also something all your family and friends will ask about. Everyone wants to know how it’s going and will offer their advice like, “Did you also purchase Rosetta Stone Mandarin?” When else could you casually learn another entire language? (???) Overall, it's going great but it’s worth noting that there are some kinks to work out.

Update #3
⭐⭐⭐ OK..but eventually need to buy a job! 
By Tareen A. on April 29, 2017
This review is more of an addendum to Update #2 because not much has changed and that’s exactly the problem!! I don’t really want to deduct any stars because I understand that it’s already a privilege that I can afford this product. It’s been four weeks so I guess you can say I’ve bought into all the marketing. Since my last update, I’ve had a few leads. At least now I know what type of writer/creative I want to become. Now I just need to figure out how to convince creative agencies to take a bet on me... instead of that fresh, experienceless college grad! Seems easy right?! Well, still no answers from the product but I think time off is more of a Mr. Miyagi and less Mr. Feeny.

Going forward, I would recommend Amazon to discontinue this product unless it also starts to sell viable “career transitions”. It’s a wonderful product as long as you know how to use it properly but I just don’t see how the average consumer can be trusted to figure it out. I just want to already be at that point in my life where I look back and say, “What were you so worried about? See, it all worked out and it’s because you got some Time Off to figure it all out!”

This satirical post was inspired by the Creative Director of The Onion & Editor of Slackjaw in this post.

I Tried Spin Class for the First Time

Read time: 3 minutes

I went to a spin class for the first time last week. Most of the 45 minutes in the class was me wanting to yell out that this was my first time doing spin, IS EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM AWARE THAT THIS IS MY FIRST TIME? I need everyone to know this.

I went to an establishment strictly dedicated to spinning because this is somehow a viable business model now. The place looked like a high end yogurt shop with its white walls, neon signs, and fully spirited employees but the smelled like a beverly hills candle boutique masking the stench of wet poodle.

For anyone who doesn't know: spin classes are where you pay whats ultimately a lot of money to get into a room full of 20-40 stationary bikes that require special shoes that latch on to the pedals. Then for anywhere between 45-90 minutes, you undergo a spiritual awakening of self, complete with a pit stop in hell but an ultimate end in nirvana. 

A few yelp review photos helped gauge the level of pretense beforehand so when I walked in, I had an air of confidence like I hadn’t eaten bread in seven weeks. This facade didn't last very long. Clipping the bike shoes onto the pedal was so painfully difficult to perform gracefully that I may pretend it's my first time, ever time.

Probably the redeeming aspect of a spin class - that part raises its rank above other trendy classes like yoga or high intensity interval training (HIIT) - is that they include colorful lights and electronic dance or rap music. This is my ideal scene because it makes me think I’m having a fun night out when reality, I’m sweating at a rate faster than what the gym towel can withstand. The instructor knew that I could pedal through the hardest when the drop occurred in the song. There's no reason to increase your bike's resistance until the *untz untz untz* happens. At this point, the instructor understands me at a deep and personal level.

After class was over, I wondered why I had waited so long to try this out. I had a good run with working out once upon a time. There was a two-year period when I worked out 4-6 days a week and felt amazing. I had that glow, sought out that high, and waddled around the gym a special kind of way after each great session. I’m not asking for an applause right now, I just want to establish the glory days before I talk about my failures. Like an old, ex-highschool football star with a receding hairline, I need this moment.

It took a while for me to figure out why I ever stopped consistently working out. The gym in my building is actually only 10 feet away from my door -  this is a literal measurement. Convenience was never an issue so even though this gym is right by me, I never go. It took me a while (a year while) to figure out that I’m someone that thrives on having a lot of people around me struggling the same way to stay motivated.

This week, I went back to class. The domino effect of one health kick leading to another and then another is already happening. I’m suddenly inclined to replace meals with smoothies and think about probiotics all day. Maybe next week, I’ll figure out how people purposelessly wake up at 6 am..

Top Five Things I Can't Live Without This Season

Read time 3 minutes

top favorites blog (4)
top favorites blog (4)

#1 Industrial Donut Machine

I get donuts about 3 - 4 times a week and it was time I finally invested in a great donut maker. This one will pay for itself in 47 years so I’m definitely excited. Now that I make fresh donuts every morning at 3 am, I don’t understand how I used to live without it. It’s so much easier than stopping at your nearest donut shop run by asians across the street. It’s weird to think that I used to not have one of these.

#2 Colgate Toothpaste

I love incorporating this fresh and dainty paste into my morning and bedtime routine. I discovered a while back in my life and now I simply can’t live without it! I used to use Sensodyne but I feel that I need to breathe mintier, new life into my daily routine. And it's so affordable, this is my favorite drugstore buy.

#3 Lululemon Yoga Block

This has been on my wishlist for a few months (I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it) and caved this past weekend. Even though I don’t do yoga, I know this stacked and ultra versatile yoga block will inspire me to be more and do more. Sometimes you have to feed your soul. The dense foam is made out of this special sap from a tree in the Amazon so that the air in the US remains unpolluted. Happy mind, happy soul.

# 4 Alexander McQueen Umbrella

Let’s talk about our weather. It’s been storming every day for many days now. This affects most of us and this Alexander McQueen umbrella is the perfect solution to all your daily wetness problems. It versatile with its sleek design and carrying case. It’s the ideal way to shield yourself against the rain and let others know that you’re still concerned about both function and form.

# 5 Abacus for iPhone

I’m a little cracked out on Trivia Crack and now that my mom plays CandyCrush, I can’t be seen with that app. Sorry, Mom - ha! Recently one of my friends introduced me to the Abacus app. I love old trends making a new come back and this app seriously solves so many everyday problems for me. It’s just easier to pull out this app and let someone know that 823 - 387 equals 436! There simply isn’t a need for the calculator app on your phone. This ancient counting frame cannot go wrong!

Hope this list helps you get an idea of what's super in this season!

An Analysis of the Song “Tuesday”, the Tale of ILOVEMAKONNEN’s Pre-Fame Drug Empire

Read time: 4 minutes

Makonnen Sheran , street name iLoveMakonnen, is a hip-hop artist from Atlanta. He rose to fame in 2014 after having Drake remix his life's song "Tuesday". This song is more than a club anthem, it is a modern day classic story about love, the hustle, drugs and power.

Main Hook:

Got the club goin' up, on a Tuesday,

Got your girl in the cut and she choosay 

Makonnen is really busy Sunday, Monday and Wednesday - Saturday. He is against the traditional corporate America work structure.

Your girl likes this, which is why she is currently with Makonnen instead of you. They are in their own special corner of the night club, “da cut”, because she is a refined and selective lady. Note: “the cut” also foreshadows the illegal drug nature of Makonnen's business.

Workin' Monday night, on the corner flippin' hard,

Made at least 3 thousand, on the Boulevard

The story begins Monday, where Makonnen was making multiple, high-quality drug deals. The phrase “flippin’ hard” serves as a pun to dramatize the quality of his goods and his tireless effort to sell tons of drugs. On any given night, he could generate sales of upwards of $3-4k.

I've been workin' graveyard shifts every other weekend,

Ain't got no fuckin' time to party on the weekend

This business is hard, blue-collar work. Homie isn’t clocking out at 5pm, he is flippin’ while you're busy trippin’ at happy hour.

I've been flippin' in the house, makin' juugs on the highway,

I've been ridin' out of state, makin' money like my way

In order to maintain a competitive edge in the blackmarket, Makonnen strives to keep his customers happy. His start-up has skyrocketed in sales on both the “Boulevard” and his home, leading him to expand operations to other cities through covert logistics through interstate highways.

I don't think that I should dance, I'm just gon' have another drink

Through this journey so far, Makonnen establishes that he is no Mom and Pop shop, he is a mogul on the rise. And this mogul has finally had the chance to celebrate on this fine Tuesday. He is humble about his work, thus refraining from dancing and maintaining a demeanor of mystery by drinking.

I'm doin' my stance, you know my molly pink,

I got the loudest of the loud, you know I got stink

Makonnen takes this moment to pitch some of his products. He is being casual while tripping on pink MDMA, in case you had any doubts of his sensitive side. Speaking of product line, we all know you’ve been wondering and the answer is yes. He has “the loudest of the loud”, the best of the best, so look no further: he has marijuana.

My P.O think I'm in the house,

Don't give a damn about what she think

Like most politicians and Fortune 500 Executives, Makonnen has a skeleton in his closet. He doesn’t delve too deep into his pasts’ woes and misfortunes but it involves a serious run in with law enforcement. A tinge of his cockiness comes out here, just as any man would be when his pride and work is questioned.

It ain’t no way no how,

I made it on my own, I made my own style,

I don't think that I should stay, you know I gotta' go,

You're moving too fast, don’t wanna take it slow

At the height of his business and near Cartel endorsement, Makonnen walks away from it all. He knew he created something beautiful from nothing, a true American success story. In the end, it was all too fast paced and he didn't want to stray away from what he truly loved: simply rapping about it all.

I Will Marry Your Creeper

My peers are getting engaged and married. 90% of them are out of straight no where. I didn't even know half of you had boyfriends. It seems like guys never have girlfriends to begin with so again, no idea what kind of witchcraft you all practice. What make concerns me, but mostly makes me laugh, is when "creepers" get engaged/married. I remember thinking back in 2009 that no chick would ever date this obsessive weirdo in my class. I've seen their tactics yet now there's a woman wanting to reproduce with them.

"I do" not get it. Here's something I do get: ladies, whomever we decide to settle down with will have once been some other chicks' creeper. Every guy is, at some point, gameless and shameless.

Your fiance: He's intelligent. His family is kind. He makes you laugh every day. He's getting promoted really soon. He takes you out on thoughtful dates. And oh, he used to whisper disturbing things to this girl in his PoliSci class back in college.

I'm not hating here. In fact, I've started to counter creepster behavior with extreme, non-reverse psychology. When a random guy (who knows nothing about what goes on inside your head or has even heard you speak) asks you out, make it real easy on him. Let him find out everything about you in the most maniacal manner.

Example: At the gas station

"WELL SAY GURL, what are youuu doing tonight?"

Normally women will scoff and drive off. New response:

"I'm doing lots of things tonight! But we just met so if you want, you can definitely get my number right this instant. Forget it, let me just call you now so I know you got it so we can FO SHO have each others' numbers. In case your phone dies at some point in life, add me on Facebook! I wanna see your profile pics! My girlfriends will probably ask for them tonight anyway because I'm going to be talking about how charming this all is. Do you work? Ahh, lets connect on Linkedin. My gas is still pumping so lets follow each other on Twitter. I'm SO motivational on Twitter. It'll be fun. Oh, you need to go? Well lets take a selfie and instagram it, BOYFRIEND."

Do not let him get a word in this entire time. Ladies, let's be creepin' too. Its 2013 and all about equality now.

Girls' Night

I'm still not sure what we really mean when we say GIRLS' NIGHT! I’ve been “out with the girls”, at “dinner with the girls”, had a “girls night in” and variations of this she-bang. But....why do we do this? Maybe women are all secretly normal but on Girls' Night, things get strange . There’s always this chick who needs a no-judgment situation to eat chocolate covered strawberries. They’re not even tasty. The flavors fight for your attention in your mouth and the chocolate flakes off ungracefully.

There’s also a photographer of the group will document every critical event, providing you a play-by-play of the entire night for every social media outlet to endure the following day.

[Picture of the champagne and chocolate strawberries]

[Picture of all the girls toasting with chocolate strawberries in hand]

[Picture of all the girls pouting before they head out to town, oh haaaaay]

While this is going on, two members of this female clan will secretly be feuding over some kind of irreconcilable difference. Most of the night will include accommodating for their self-deprecating needs. THEN, one of the other girls will begin the night with an almost rehearsed monologue about the benefits of being single, the overall sense of freedom, and the endless demand of boys she gets to entertain. Near the end of the night, this same girl will mope around wondering who to pester via text, fail and then re-download Tinder.

Within this Girls’ Night dynamic also lies the  character who is totally content with her life. She may have a man but the point to remember is that she never needed one. She kind of has some extra squish but ugh, she works it so well. She never broadcasts how delicious her latte was that morning and you’ve only heard rumors that perhaps she enjoys the company of her cat. Listen girls, we hate her for this! During Girls’ Night, every time someone complains, she assures them that everything will work out in the end...the audacity.

Probably the worst kind of Girls' Night is when its a Bachelorette Party. Every town boasts a delightful Piano Bar but the tireless raid of women wearing feathers and penis tiaras suffocate Piano Bars. They request the entire Grease album, emasculating men and depriving other people of their Piano cover to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." It's a f-ing dictatorship run by the disastrous product of the Cheerleader effect.

There is also the self-appointed Game-Stopper: the anti-christ of a Wingman. Her goal the entire night is to make sure no other member of the Girls' Night breaks the one rule: No Boys, No Toys. She'll be all, "Excuse me, I get that you're a handsome dude with a successful start-up but my girl friend isn't interested in you. We're having girls' night." Goodbye, Future Husband.

And at last, the ~:~Girl Who Loves Her Boyfriend <3 ~:~. It was difficult to convince this girl to come out, she probably hasn't even had estrogen exposure in months because she's always so busy with the love of her life. Most of Girls' Night will be her expressing her unyielding gratitude for such great girl friends and how she really should do this more often. And that's the last time she ever does Girls' Night.

“Surprise” Birthday Dinners: Lets Stop Doing This to Each Other

Picture this nuisance with me: You walk in and the restaurant is filled with an ambient clutter of loud music and chatty hosts, helping you warm up to a sense of fun importance. There are maybe 2 others in your group who came before you. You are number 3 of 15. No one is on time and absolutely everyone is there for someone else. By the time you all sit down, watch the Birthday Person fake a yelp of glee when they walk in, you are famished. The waiter hasn’t even taken the orders yet. You then engage in surface level conversations about work, school, and significant others. The entire time, you wish you had sat next to that one person you really want to talk to but they’re too busy juggling three conversations themselves. A total of 15 minutes will be spent on everyone asking the other what they’re ordering. That way, you can know what they’re having and order what you were going to order to anyway. Everyone is loud and complicated and the waiter hates you. Two people will decide it’s not a problem to come half way through dinner. The worst part of this whole pretense is that the Birthday Person carries the burden of making significant impact with all 14 of you before the night ends. He or she will wonder why you invited a random group but not their other close friends. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You will most likely get your food last and yeah, it was over priced. As checks are being paid, there are murmurs of what the rest of the night holds. The acquaintances all have other engagements and the real 5 friends will stick around for the actual birthday celebration.

Surprise Birthday Dinners: why do we do this to each other? Having a dinner for yourself is acceptable. This angle of it being a surprise is like a game of tag: if one person decides to throw one, a chain reaction is started for the next 364 days for everyone and their respective subgroups.

Not sure what a guy’s excuse is but ladies, I like to make an art out of getting ready as much as you do but planning Surprise Birthday Dinners are not the answer. You know what is? Something fun. Let’s be frank: the person in honor really just wants to hang out with their friends. They’re just glad you’re there. So as their friends, to channel all our efforts into finding a date that works for everyone, picking a restaurant that’s quaint and delicious—all while attempting to surprise the Birthday child—is wasted effort.

Why can’t we all skip the dinner pretense and plan something catered to what the person would really enjoy? Go to sports games, improv shows, karaoke bars, food festivals, support local musicians, a play, the arcade, a boat party, fishing, barbeque, set up a beach/lake picnic, a cooking class, pottery, a drive in theatre, or visit an obscure bar or specialty restaurant. Basically, surprise them with anything else.

Let me be super original and say that there’s an assumption about being in your twenties: you’re out to enjoy to life. You want experiences. With that in mind, why are we using our free time to sit at a giant table of 15, at a quazi-fancy restaurant, celebrating our friend reaching another year? Surprise Birthday dinners can be nice at times but it is mostly the strangest thing we have all made a tradition of.

What We Imagine
What We Imagine
The Reality
The Reality

I Am Saving You from Fifty Shades of Grey

If I ever dislike something, I have at least given it a try. I ate papaya once; it tastes like vomit pretending to be fruit. I endured 3 paragraphs of Twilight and the first movie. So obviously I went ahead and gave this media-frenzied book, Fifty Shades of Grey, an earnest read. The title presumably sounds like a literary classic. I think all these women that have raved about this book just really appreciate dominant and submissive sex, which is not the issue. The real issue is the lack of any coherent rhetoric in this novel. I am genuinely disheartened by how poorly written it is; the book is a complete farce. For this to become a best seller is a stab at any real author who is struggling to make a name.

The main character is Anastasia Steele (Ana), who is given the exact attributes of the Twilight chick. Ana is pale, doubts her beauty, and is clumsy. She’s about to graduate college but is aloof about the concept of sex and has never done more than kiss a guy. No comment on the likelihood of this scenario. She works at the hardware store, dresses in sultry t-shirts and jaw-dropping converse shoes, and gathers the attention of Ivy League guys. The fact that Ana is a shameless replica of Twilight chick explains the infectious notoriety of this romance novel.

Ana then has an encounter with a young, self-made, and entrepreneurial billionaire (not to be confused with an average millionaire). His name is Christian Grey (all the characters in this book are given medieval names). Homeboy is adopted and develops a multi-faceted persona. He’s viciously handsome, a philanthropist, has adventurous hobbies, and harbors the attention of every woman. His fingers produce Bach-like symphonies on a piano and in the bedroom. He reveals a unique vice that carries this book into the hands of every female: he likes sadomasochists. He is immediately drawn to Ana by her supposedly alluring demeanor and elusive mind.

Ana maintains the lexicon of a home-schooled teen that keeps a diary. The way the author portrays Ana’s subconscious is insulting to any woman in her twenties. Christian tends to her needs, is protective of her, and rescues her. Her reaction: He's so freaking...hot!!! Although Christian is considered to be supremely attractive, the only adjective the author can summon is hot.

Holy shithe’s about to stand up. He’s actually talking to me...woah. I should cite that last sentence because it is probably a direct quote from the book, including the ellipses. If you took out all the parts about her blushing, saying jeez, biting her lips, and holy-crapping, the book is cut to 34 pages. A kindle search shows that “Crap” alone is used 93 times.

Ana is some sort of lit major in 2012 but doesn’t initially own a laptop? Crap. Each time Ana begins to use her Macbook, she addresses it as “firing up the mean machine” as if it runs on Windows 95. Double Crap. What? This author is on some potent crack. Triple Crap. And everyone in the book “murmurs” and either grins or frowns at every moment. Why can’t everyone just talk? Keep in mind this book has sold 10 million copies.

The first time Ana visits Christian’s home, he shows Ana his Red Dungeon of Pain and Sex and Horror and Play and Etc. The room is full of cuffs, chains and other BDSM equipment. But before she can exhibit any fear, she is oogling over his mere existence. He can simply touch her into an orgasm. It was tolerable to read the first time but after the third “body-shattering” experience, I am hysterical and irritated.

At times, Ana almost exhibits a real personality where she is afraid of his needs. She once utters an entire sentence with proper syntax in front of Christian. When she's not too busy lusting his luscious hair, she is swallowing the idea of signing a contract into submission. Christian is a control freak who fuels his sexual drive by commanding Ana to eat and dress in a certain manner. He punishes her for rolling her eyes at him by spanking her. Ana becomes emotionally conflicted by Christian’s fetish, unsure of whether she can ever accept this pain. For the author to romanticize physical and mental abuse is totally irresponsible.

Throughout my rant and dilemma, I had a choice: just stop reading. Unfortunately, the literary spin on this sexual expedition and wanting to know the end of this ridiculous premise has led me half way into this book. I don’t read romance novels but I’m sure I would still appreciate one with actual language and character development. I don’t care how sexy it may seem, why are intelligent people recommending this book? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Why I Don't Need Millions of Dolla Dolla Bills, Ya'll

I have become increasingly un-materialistic. I’m hoping I snap out of it because school can be very difficult to go through when you’re not motivated by monetary gain. But if you pointed a paintball gun to my face, threatening to colorfully bruise it if I didn’t spend loads of money, I would the following:

1. I will pay the Kardashians to become irrelevant. If the Mayans are correct, then the world does not need to end while Kim Kardashian is live airing the finalization of her divorce.

2. I eat and cook a lot so perhaps I’d furnish a spectacular kitchen. I would order a heaping carton of caviar to swoosh around in my mouth while I watch movies on my wall sized 3D television. Afterwards, I can walk across my aquarium floor to my beachy backyard because my house is actually on a private island.

3. The hip-hop community dictates that I should make it rain at all times. You have not lived your life until you’ve paid for your gas with flying 10's while gyrating to T-Pain.

4. I could probably get the writers of LOST to redo their cheap, upsetting Finale. Seriously, they were in purgatory the entire time? AS IF that ending was not predicted after episode 2 in the Loser Lost Fans Club forum. Yeah, I checked!

5. With a million dollars, I would copyright overused phrases and place a premium on their usage.

  • Fail $1
  • SMH $The Weight of Your Head In Dollars
  • Cray $1 for me and $1 for Kanye
  • It Is What It is $1 is $1
  • Just Sayin’ Shouldn’t have said anything, $1 please.
  • Totes $0, my mother told me to never cheat the handicapped.

6. I will run for Presidency. I’m a little pretentious when it comes to valuing non-coastal states so touring across America would be good for me. How do the people of South Dakota feel when no one outside the US (or even inside) knows where they’re from? I can’t even picture people living in Wyoming and Indiana/Illinois are only important in Monopoly. Again, I refuse to do any research on this matter.

7. I will make Google become more considerate of the worlds’ 1%. I searched:

  • “How to spend more money” Nothing.
  • “How to spend money like a boss” Nothing.
  • “How to spend money without f-ing bitches” Nothing.

Thanks to the tags in this post, all those people searching will now find some meaningful answers.

 

 

Sir Usher Raymond IV

The creases from the frown on my face were going to become permanent if Usher hadn't disrupted the "performance" by The Black Eyed Peas during halftime. While the Peas seemed to struggle with "multi-tasking", Usher made simultaneous singing and dancing look easy. Usher prancing around the stage was the only real performance other than the thousand lit up aliens running around the fields. (Well done, Dallas high schools’ dance teams!) Although no one can dispute Ushers talent, I have to wonder why a voice that charismatic chooses to sing such nonsensical songs.

With a marvelous inspiration from The Axis of Ego, I too have decided to do a lyrical analysis–but with an Usher song—to plead my case.

Please listen to DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love as I decipher his cryptic message:

I have returned to the establishment for partying. There are people

frolicking from one end to the other—one end to the other. I am

grateful that my treacherous week has ended. A rush of life begins to

overcome me, as if I have risen from the bed of death—risen from the

bed of death.

While raising my arms, I realize that many others have done the same.

Something begins overcome me. I peruse through the

flood of neon lights and set my gaze upon a female. I wonder, “have I

seen her before?”

I recollect her eyes, yes her eyes. If you haven’t realized, I remembered her eyes.

Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Yes, my beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Dance, dance as if you will never live breathe again, let your inhibitions go, go. I have you so precisely. Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance again.

Quench your thirst with spirit. Do it right away, right away, right away, right away. I shall cast flames upon this roof. I shall scorch this establishment to the ground, ground, ground, ground, ground. Raise your arms! When the melody fades, you and I shall raise our arms. Rest your palms upon my chest—I vow upon the heavens that I have remembered you properly.

I vow upon the heavens that I remember you. Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Yes, my beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. Dance, dance as if you will never live breathe again, let your inhibitions go, go. Dear beloved, the disc jockey has us in a deep trance yet again. (3x)

I extend my appreciation, disc jockey.

Usher, please find a new lyricist and better songs so you make it to my iTunes library.

November 1st: Judgment Day. The Day After Halloween

Like many American twists on old traditions, Halloween is truly….unique? I will probably allow the word “unique” to mean several different things in this post just to avoid the use of other less favorable terms to describe a few “Halloween Costumes”. October 31st is a “Get Out Of Jail Free Card” for our alter egos. It’s glorious. I love Victoria’s Secret mail: great deals, free stuff, and sexy pictures to accompany it. And then I saw this.

OH, so its not even a secret anymore? Up until this point I thought this kind of display of.. uniqueness during Halloween was supposed to be subtle? You know, “I just think sailors are cute. Wouldn’t it be fun? CUTE right?” …Mhm girl, you’re so right. Well, if its from Victorias Secret, your desire to show off your gym commitment outweighs your need for cuteness. At this point, you’re just trying to be unique. People become aware of our secret fetishes, childhood fantasies, and devilish side being displayed through our costumes. So on November 1, we reflect.

1. The Creative Geek

On October 31st, you’re the cool guy. These costumes tend to be larger, makeshift versions of technological devices, nerdy puzzles, a representation of an idea, or the most elaborate Sci-Fi costume you have ever seen. And sometimes, you just have to stop and ask because the spectacle is just beyond the understanding the mere mortals.

2. The Super Heroes

Why Wonder Woman? She was an equal to the male super heroes, could fly, had amazing hair, a “Lasso of Truth”, and was virtually indestructible. The super hero you choose can reflect your admirations and aspirations. Superheroes allow you to display little to an infinite amount of creativity.

3. The Public Goods and Services

I guess we enjoy the irony in it all because these costumes are always very unique. Cops, Firemen, Politicians, House Maids, Physicians, and Military Personnel...none are left behind. As a law-abiding citizen, I definitely understand this kind of appeal.

4. The I’m-Just-Here-For-The-Candy/“Candy”

After a certain point, it feels silly to dress up—I get it. But if you’re mooching for candy or partying in the name of Halloween, you should make some sort of attempt at a costume. Yeah, there’s always something to make fun of but at least everyone’s having fun with it. Showing up normal is a tad abnormal on October 31st.

5. The Why-So-Serious-Nightmare-On-Your-Street

Halloween is no joke for these people. These displays are sometimes so vivid, so gruesome that I really do have commend these freakshows. Leave it to all the clowns gone wrong, zombies, and horror film heroes to remind us what Halloween was originally all about.

6. The Let-Me-Ruin-Childrens’-Stories-For-You

Every time we uniq-ify another Disney Princess or witness Big Birds true potential, I imagine a sad life without fairy godmothers. Its pitiful and I love it. There is truth in this kind of corruption. This is the kind of magic grownups practice.

7. The Doppleganger

It usually sucks to hear that you look like a “less hot version” (ha) of a celebrity all the time but on October 31st , you market it. Sometimes it just helps to be the same race. Every year I think to be Lady Gaga and then I realize: I’m just not white enough (or ballsy enough).

8. The Group Effort

Always a success until you wander off on your own and look like you decided to just mismatch (Hey so, you’re the 90’s?). Mean Girls, DNA Sequence, a boy band, Adams Family, etc.

9. The Day Time Mafia Leader/Night Time Club Owner

This is the cop out for guys.

“Don’t feel like buying a costume but I look good in a suit?”

“My girlfriend bought me this hideous satin dress shirt”

“Jersey Shore, duh”

10. The Normally I’m Disgusting But Today I’m Extra Disgusting

When tacky is an understatement and there are sadly no consequences.

Halloween is not always a judgment of your character but it is a fun way to display a different side or build on yourself. Sometimes it helps you realize a person’s level of wit, childhood hero, or their unique alter ego that’s not so secret anymore.

Happy Halloween, Buffoons.

Annoying, Cliché Advice

I recently surveyed my friends/family asking what they found to be the most annoying, cliche advice. These were the most common. Cliché: “Forget about the past; what’s done is done."

Advisor: Strong, apathetic, guarded

Although its wise to avoid dwelling on what went wrong, its nothing you can immediately do. Everyone needs a moment to recover- whether its doing poorly on a test or losing your best friend.  Without time for reflection, you can’t possibly learn from the situation itself. Even a stone can be worn down with enough rain.  Everyone reaches a point of unignorable adversity.

Cliché: “Everything happens for a reason.”

Advisor: Introspective, religious, philosophical, etc.

I’m definitely guilty of conveying this message. This is bad advice because it isn’t advice at all.  You can’t use this concept to help you get past your present. The major flaw in this is a double standard. The tiny bit of comfort you may find in  a “reason” for everything is outweighed by the 50% chance that the reason may just be something worse.

Cliché: “Everything will work out in the end”

Advisor: Optimist

Most people are irritated by optimism during a rough patch. Its "hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel" when it feels like there is no end. And honestly, does it always work out? Not really. I guess this cliche provides hope but according to half of my friends, no one wants to hear it.

Cliché: “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

Users: Moralist perhaps? Not sure.

No author should neglect to provide an intriguing cover for their book. As readers, we have every right to judge books based on their cover.  Why would you spend months writing and then undermine it with a mediocre wrapping? Parallel a book with how we physically present ourselves. Obviously I don't support being superficial but what’s there not to judge against someone who never maintains hygiene, dresses appropriately or carry themselves suitably?

Cliché: “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

Advisor: Your wing man/wing woman

Wow, thanks, because I wasn’t aware of the other 6 billion people living on our planet. Knowing there are plenty of fish in the sea is exactly what drives us to look for a shark. And sometimes this one is paired with "you're too picky". I think its good to know what you want and not settle till you find it.

Cliché: “Nice guys finish last.”

Users: The "Boo hoo, woe is me, f my life, and cry me a river" type.

Get a grip. First off, beware of self-proclaimed “nice guys” or “nice girls”. Nice people aren't the way they are for recognition. And second, if you feel you're "always screwed over", notice that you're the only common denominator in every factor. If all nice people really did finish last (whatever that may mean) then they are nice AND stupid. I know plenty of nice people that aren't push overs and get through life just fine.

. . .

When we feel helpless and want to provide more than "a shoulder to lean on", we turn to these trite phrases that everyone could live without. Replacement for cliches? Listen. Sometimes people really just need to talk/vent. Feeding people overused, meaningless cliches just irritate them. It only makes sense to give people advice if you actually have any. And if you’ve been in their exact situation before, tell them what really helped you because just forgetting or waiting it out wasn't it.