My Amazon Customer Review of “Time Off”

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⭐⭐⭐⭐ Best thing you can buy!
By Tareen A. on April 2, 2017
I recently purchased “Time Off”! I already ordered the “Loooong Vacation” a few months back and this supplemental product is exactly what I need to transition myself into a new career. I would give it a full five stars but the price tag is worrisome. There are cheaper versions but they require you to move back in with your parents so I opted for this one.

Thousands of millennials left gleaming reviews so I’m hopeful!  I’m not sure it guarantees “finding your calling.” The fine print on the box states that results vary for most users. BUT I get to wake up everyday and do what I want - so cool! The best feature is that it comes with enough downtime to get back into the gym. Loving this so far!

Update to my first review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ AMAZING!!
By Tareen A. on April 9, 2017
I’ve had this product for a week now and I can’t believe how well this holds up in my psyche. I’m updating my review to a full five stars! I’ve cooked three new dishes this week and casually glanced at some jobs opening up in my city. I’ve also finished two books!! Gone are the days where I wishfully dream of cooking, reading, and working out! My new life is awesome.

I would highly recommend time off to friends!

Update #2
⭐⭐⭐ Questionable Advertising…
By Tareen A. on April 18, 2017
Hi guys, just wanted to give another update since some time has passed from my first review - I want to be objective here! What this product doesn't tell you is...well, anything. It expects you to go through some trial and error before it all comes together. Right now, my “time off” is giving me anxiety because I can’t figure out where this takes me next. Dear Creators, customers would love minimal guidelines on how to best use this product...

“Time off” is also something all your family and friends will ask about. Everyone wants to know how it’s going and will offer their advice like, “Did you also purchase Rosetta Stone Mandarin?” When else could you casually learn another entire language? (???) Overall, it's going great but it’s worth noting that there are some kinks to work out.

Update #3
⭐⭐⭐ OK..but eventually need to buy a job! 
By Tareen A. on April 29, 2017
This review is more of an addendum to Update #2 because not much has changed and that’s exactly the problem!! I don’t really want to deduct any stars because I understand that it’s already a privilege that I can afford this product. It’s been four weeks so I guess you can say I’ve bought into all the marketing. Since my last update, I’ve had a few leads. At least now I know what type of writer/creative I want to become. Now I just need to figure out how to convince creative agencies to take a bet on me... instead of that fresh, experienceless college grad! Seems easy right?! Well, still no answers from the product but I think time off is more of a Mr. Miyagi and less Mr. Feeny.

Going forward, I would recommend Amazon to discontinue this product unless it also starts to sell viable “career transitions”. It’s a wonderful product as long as you know how to use it properly but I just don’t see how the average consumer can be trusted to figure it out. I just want to already be at that point in my life where I look back and say, “What were you so worried about? See, it all worked out and it’s because you got some Time Off to figure it all out!”

This satirical post was inspired by the Creative Director of The Onion & Editor of Slackjaw in this post.