Articles I've Wanted to Write Since I Moved to Austin

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Austin is the most culturally aggressive city in Texas. At least in Dallas, you have to consciously decide whether you want to assimilate into a pretentious lifestyle. In Houston, you can basically be anyone you want and might I add the food is much better there overall. There are plenty of "other scenes" in these cities. However, in Austin, if you are not running, eating tacos, and talking about new era's...well then you're not cool enough to be weird. You have to become Austin to live in Austin. 

I love it here though. Please don't send me to the eco-friendly guillotine.

Some real and almost real articles I've considered writing since I've moved here:

4 Local Farms provide produce to the top 13 restaurants in Austin and only 8 of them disclose it on their menu.

27 Ways to Avoid Talking About Kale because you don't want to sound ironically misinformed.

  1. Wear that KALE sweatshirt

  2. Talk about how you’ve always preferred spinach

  3. Change the subject to tea

  4. Etc.

How to look like you ran the entire Zilker Park Trail in less than .5 miles.

Spray some water on your face and grab a smoothie from Juice Land. You only drink smoothies once you’re done and everyone will assume you’re already done for the day. Don’t forget to talk about how you “ran” this morning during your lunch break.

The newest celebrities who were quietly added to the Austin traffic scene.

One time I sat near a Zooey Deschanel look alike at a restaurant and didn’t realize it was her until I googled “zooey deschanel pregnant” to find out that both this look alike and Zooey were pregnant. That’s the whole story.

The hilarious homeless man on 35 and Riverside has a new sign, “Need $$ to Fund Mars Mission”

The beloved homeless on interstate 35 used to spend his days boasting his infamous, “Need money for private jet” has retired his old sign. In an earlier article he reported that ‘though business was doing well, he wanted to stay ahead of the game’. Locals found this amusing.

Related: How one homeless man “disrupted" the begging system and now makes more money than you.

Networking Events for December 2015 that won't force you to admit you hate your job.

Austin's gentrification problem is worse than you think.

Local Austinites have been pushed out of their homes into Fort Worth, 3 hours away. Residents from New York, San Francisco, and near by towns like Dallas and Houston have made their homes in Austin to rebrand their pretentiousness to weirdness.

6th Street now requires 5 different classifications: east sixth, west sixth, dirty sixth, the corner where halal bros is, and super east sixth street where actual Mexicans will make your tacos.

Restaurants seek to remove the "+" and "&" from their names

New additions to the Austin foodie scene have revealed a wave of eclectic restaurants that are named after animals and more comforting words. The first to adopt are Shugabees, Black Sheep Lodge, Odd Duck, Golden Goose, VOX, and Green Pastures.